Musings
by Annuette-anon
Summary: Simon reflects on his relationship with Jayne and where it’s heading. slash


Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me, they belong to their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.

Simon's thought of himself as a good man, a good doctor and a good judge of character. Which is why he can't understand how his 'verse has got so screwed up; his small part of it anyway. His life's been messed up for a while now, there's no denying that. Going against his family and rescuing River, keeping her safe from the alliance, admittedly it's taken its toll. Not on his sanity, though there's been times he's come close to losing it, but with everything else. Only in a 'verse gone crazy can he have fallen into such a life; a life on the edge and a life on the run, in a new home so aptly named Serenity. Somewhere he's somehow managed to keep his sister safe and find a place, however shaky at times, amongst the crew. Where each day is as interesting or crazy as the last and the rules he's lived with all his life have gone out of the airlock.

River stirs in his arms, whimpering in her sleep as Simon holds her close, trying to protect her as best he can. Simon smoothes the hair from her forehead as she settles into a more restful sleep, aided by the sedative he carefully injects into her arm. He hates to see her likes this, tormented by demons even in sleep, never once seeming to find rest as she drifts further and further away from sanity. He knows he's like her lifeline, somehow through the cryptic phrases Simons managed to pick that up. River talks of drifting, of being pulled by a dark tide that wants to swallow her, and of how his voice is sometimes the only thing she can hold onto; to stay afloat within her madness.

She's his lifeline too, one of his reasons for being. Survival had been all he'd been focussed on at first, rescuing River, keeping ahead of the Alliance and keeping her safe; but somehow aboard Serenity it hadn't been enough. Survival hadn't been enough. Simon wonders if was this need, the need to do more then just survive, that tossed his rules out. If maybe he wanted to feel more then just needed, or maybe he just wanted not to be needed. Maybe that was why he took Jayne up on his offer all those months ago; why Simon so easily accepted and grabbed at an offer from a man he knew would sooner kill him, then feel anything for him. Maybe that was why he shared his body then and even now eagerly enjoys pleasure, with someone he knows can't stand him.

Simon carefully lays River down on her bed; her face is peaceful now, she's slipped to the one place neither dreams nor madness can touch. This peace is the most Simon can give her and he knows it will be shattered the moment she wakes, but the drug he's given her is strong; she'll have at least a night of peace before the day begins again. Which means Simon can rest too, if he wants.

Simon doesn't want to; he wants nothing more then to forget it all, to feel the burden of need removed from his shoulder even if it's for a short time. He wants someone who doesn't need him so desperately, he wants Jayne. Which is why he's heading, slowly but surely, in the direction of the cargo bay- the last place he saw the man.

/Just because we're doin this, don't mean I like you. Just means I want you./

Simon can almost hear the man's voice In his head, the promise that started it all off. The promise that made Simon accept. It wasn't that Simon hadn't found Jayne attractive, he had from the moment they met, but back then it had been more about wanting then anything else. Simon knew it was crude to label it in such a way but at first it had been about nothing but sex; ruttin as Jayne put it. "Nothing wrong with working off the tension, especially with us wantin the release." Simon had let Jayne argue that point, Simon had even agreed though he hadn't told Jayne that. It's easier to have sex with someone, to find release without emotion, then to let yourself get close and be hurt.

Simon smiles softly as he walks; he can still remember the look of shock on Jayne's face when he agreed, can still see the hesitance that briefly crossed the Mercenary's face followed by the hasty question,

"You do know this don't mean nothin, right Doc? I'm not Sly, it's just a mans got needs and since your in the same boat an all…"

Simon hadn't needed him to say that, had known it would be nothing more then rutting and ruttin alone. Back then that was all it had been about; taking the edge off and getting it on, anywhere and everywhere. Jayne was a ferocious lover; giving as much passion towards pleasure as he did towards fighting. Simon had expected Jayne to be a selfish lover, their deal seeming to reflect they'd take their pleasure from each other but never return any; but it hadn't been that way. Though they'd been times after a fight, when Jayne had ripped his clothes off and taken Simon right then and there in the cargo bay; and also moments, like now after a bad time with River, that Simon all but jumped Jayne, pushing him into any conveniently hidden location. They'd also been the other times, times Simon tried not to focus on because they made him feel differently; made him respect Jayne, moments that had made the dislike go away and made it turn into something more tender. A fondness, so dangerously close to love that Simon had wanted to back away; but by then it had been too late. He was too deep in.

Simon didn't know if Fate had it in for him, but something did. Falling for a man who would never kiss him, never hold him, never even share his bunk; only in a crazy 'verse could Simon keep going back for more. Keep indulging his masochistic side by sleeping with the man he loved, who could never feel the same way back.

Simon knows all this and he's meant to be smart so he doesn't understand why he's still heading to the cargo bay, still heading the way to hurt his heart. At first Simon may have wanted just release, wanted not to be needed, but now that has shot him in the foot. Now he wants and needs, sometimes even longs, for Jayne to kiss him. But in all the months they've been together, he's never has; has never even invited him to his bunk or even himself to Simon's bunk for that matter, it's always been somewhere secluded and unseen but not truly private. They've never done it in any way that suggests intimacy, only lust. That Simon regrets, just as he regrets a lot of things and yet he's still walking towards the cargo bay.

Maybe Jayne won't be there, maybe Simon is worrying for nothing. Maybe today's the day Jayne tells him, "it's over' and maybe it will be for the best. Simon's got to stop hoping, got to let go and get on with things rather then hurt himself more each day like this. Simon's not stupid, he knows Jayne's not going to suddenly have an epiphany about their relationship, not suddenly going to declare his undying love. Their life isn't a romantic, slushy book in which having Simon's life in danger will suddenly turn Jayne's mind. Because they are all almost always in danger; every day throwing something interesting their way. Sometimes he fantasises though, wonder's if Jayne's holding him a little too closely before he pulls away. Jayne's not softened any in all the time they've been together and Simon knows he never will; even if Jayne did return Simon's feelings, it wouldn't soften him and Simon wouldn't want it to. Laughable as it sounds it's the arrogant, ill-mannered, egotistical Jayne that Simon's fallen in love with.

Simon passes Mal and Zoe, stepping neatly to one side to let them through as they both look at him. He can see in their eyes that they know where he's headed. Simon expects as much; on a ship Serenity's size it had only taken a few weeks for them all to notice, even if neither he nor Jayne had been any different to each other in public-only in private.

Zoe's eyes are unreadable but Simon knows she disapproves or at least worries; even if she didn't her Husband does it enough for both of them. Unlike her, Wash doesn't stay silent with his views; he keeps trying to convince Simon to break things off, keeps being a friend even one so sure Simon will be hurt. Mal's a different story all together; the Captain might disapprove but he remains quiet now, having seen things continue. He's only ever spoken to Simon once on the matter, warned him on it; the troubled look in the Captain's eyes spelling out his concern.

"You sure you know what you're doing son? He ain't never gonna love you back."

Simon knew that; knew it then and knows it now. He expects nothing more then to find Jayne in the bay and have some fun. So it's a complete surprise to Simon when he almost walks into Jayne standing nervously outside the bay as if waiting for something, maybe waiting for someone.

"Jayne," Simon hates the way his voice hitches slightly as he's caught off guard; thrown from his own musings about the man now facing him. Simon's unsure what to do now, whether to merely unbutton his shirt as an indication or whether to ask Jayne outright. He's torn and Jayne…Jayne's tense. Simon blinks, his brow furrowing in confusion at the sight before him.

Jayne's obviously nervous, making eye contact with Simon one moment and not the next; shifting slightly from foot to foot and hesitating as he opens his mouth to speak. A cool feeling sweeps Simon's body as he wonder's if his thoughts were correct, if Jayne intends to end it here and now and suddenly Simon wants to be anywhere else but in front of Jayne. His face must have shown his intent because Jayne's hand shoots out and grasps his wrist firmly, cutting off any option of leaving. 

Simon can only stare into his eyes as once again Jayne opens his mouth to speak; the Doctor swallows hard readying himself to hear the words "it's over", yet those that come out of Jayne's mouth shock him more then those he expects.

"Tzao gao," Jayne spits the words out almost reluctantly; at the same time he steps closer to Simon closing his mouth over the Doctor's. It's not an ideal first kiss, not one that speaks of passion and love; it's awkward and uncomfortable and when Jayne pulls back leaving Simon breathless and surprised, the doctor can see Jayne's unease. Simon opens his mouth in confusion, wanting to ask what is going on, ask why Jayne's kissing him on the mouth; Jayne never kisses him on the mouth, never has and never… Simon licks his lips cutting off that thought as he stares at Jayne.

"I ain't so good at this," Jayne's still holding Simon's wrist as he speaks, but this time Simon's not planning on going anywhere. "I ain't the flowers and gifts type and I don't do the slushy stuff." Jayne's voice is growing firmer now and Simon can feel his own unease dispel as Jayne continues, "Don't normally do the kissin thing either but since things seem to be goin' different, thought it might be good to try some new things." Jayne hesitates now for a brief moment, "I ain't into sayin I love you, you know that right? But I want you to stay with me tonight, in my bunk."

For Jayne this is as close to voicing commitment as he's going to get, at least for now, and they both know it. But it's a start, a compromise, and it gives Simon hope that one day maybe he'll be able to tell Jayne he loves him; maybe one day he'll even be able to hear it back. Smiling at Jayne, Simon doesn't need to answer as the other man unlatches his door and leads him inside; their mouth's joining once more as the door closes and they tumble onto Jayne's bunk.


End file.
